Tidal Waves

Just in a moment it began….it started as a little bit of pressure, a little nerve fire above my forehead… then it came, a rush of pain, a hot, fast moving spiral of extreme pain, rolling around in my head, then the build up of nausea, don’t move, please don’t throw up…..having a fused neck from C4-C7, the last thing you want to do is throw up…Sitting as still as I can, I waited…..not moving, almost screaming…..but who would hear me, no one is here……still waiting for the pain to subside, can I drive? No, it will pass. Slowly the swirling of pain is slowing down, almost stopping, until it haunts, right in the back of my head……right where the atrophy is sitting on my cerebellum….. I look at the clock, although it seemed as if hours had passed, only minutes until I am back to my normal, my normal….

Bad vs Worse Days

Bad days, when you say I am having a bad day, what does that really mean…..

So I am having a “Bad Day”……. Achy, no energy, don’t want to get out of my comfy clothes, don’t feel like taking a shower… you have to understand the energy it takes to wash my hair…..

And taking a shower, shaving my legs, it can be nothing short of a huge pain in the ass ordeal, so what to do, just do a short sponge bath, well crap that takes as much energy and more time than jumping in the shower. Believe me I don’t like being stinky and after everything is done I feel awesome, but exhausted, if that makes any sense.?.?.?

So, back to “bad day”. A day that your bones are a little achy, don’t feel like doing anything but getting on the heating pad on the recliner with Maxy…He is an ornery little stinker, but I love him, and he loves me except for when I am brushing him, getting briars out of his hair, you know, doing anything other than letting him sit with me and putting my hand on his back.

We sure love our little Papitese. He will be 5 years old in November, my how the time flies…

….a bad day is just a bad pain day, blah…..ready for it to be over with, but then here comes “worse than bad day”.

Fuck, excuse my language, but come on, really!!! I think walking over burning coals in bare feet would be less painful that this. I don’t know what everybody else’s version of “worse than bad day” is but I know what mine is like. My temples have a sharp point being stabbed at them, not inserted just putting pressure on them, then my ears start ringing, one side and then the other, back and forth throughout the day… those damn fusions in my neck are cracking every time I move my neck, like a grinding sound in my head… these are just the beginning, then we move from one part of the body to another, some parts stay in a dull, continuous pain, some on and off, my neck and back are continuously in a state of pain, somewhere between 7-8 on the 10 point scale, spiking to 10 way to frequently…. left shoulder, every time I put pressure on it cracks like crazy, yay Osteoarthritis, keep on taking over my body…..my hands, the joints of my fingers and the carpals in the wrist are like little fires exploding over and over. My hips get that stabbing burn pain in them, even the steroid shots aren’t doing anything for them now. My knees and ankles crack and pop with every move, is it because I am not using them, could be but that is part of the diseases, no energy, no strength and constant pain….

I hate what my hands are looking like. Puffy all the time, knuckles are getting nodules on them, grrrr. I can hardly grasp anything small anymore, no more needlework, no more jewelry making. My activities have changed, my life has changed, and it has only started, the new me, the tired fat lady, no energy, brain pains constantly disrupting my train of thought, forgetfulness a norm. All I want to do is lay around in my comfy clothes attached to my recliner and heating pad, what a life, please don’t feel sorry for me, or tell me I look tired, it only makes it worse for me.

And what is the deal with the swelling, I am swollen all over the place. My right ankle is always swollen, so is my neck, in the front and in the back. I hate being swollen, my body telling me there is something wrong while my doctor says it is fine….

All I can ask for is a day with no pain, just one would be nice, is that likely no, ever, no, just hoping that the day is just a little bit less painful than yesterday.